Writing to heal. by Erin.
This is a very personal and emotional story from a mama in our community. She kindly offered to share it here so that others who are presently going through the trials of miscarriage might find solace and support. Thank you, Erin. We’re wrapping you in all the love we can muster.
I did some writing last night, it was so good for my soul, I thought I would share it with you all, my great supporters …
I have been pregnant 7 times. I’m blessed, I have two amazing little boys, a wonderful stepson and an amazing husband, but I also know the pain of loss, I know it really well.
I lost my first baby in 2007. I came down with the chicken pox and found out the next day that I was expecting. I lost the baby within a week, (chicken pox and a miscarriage all at once, awful), we named him/her Alex.
I didn’t get pregnant again for over a year but when I did, we were overjoyed. I made it to 9 weeks and then, I started bleeding. I went to the ER and found out that baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, baby Jordan.
Several months later I found out I was expecting again. I was so scared, but tried to stay positive. At 10 weeks, I started bleeding again. We lost baby number 3 who also stopped developing at 6 weeks, baby Sam.
The next year, in 2009, I found out that I was again pregnant, talk about horrified. This time I started taking progesterone supplements the day that I found out I was expecting. Nine amazing months later, we welcomed Isaac Joaquin into our lives. We couldn’t be happier.
Then 13 months later, in 2010, we were surprised to find out that we were pregnant yet again! Sweet Benjamin Braddock was born in July of the next year. We were blessed.
Fast forward to March of this year, we were completely surprised to have another little one on the way. Unfortunately, at 10 weeks we found out that baby had again stopped developing at 6 weeks, baby Blake. We were crushed, but having the boys to come home to was medicine to my soul.
Then, we fell pregnant again just 2 months after losing Blake. Again, absolutely terrified, we embarked on another rollercoaster ride. I’m so sad to say that the ride ended yesterday. I went in for just a quick 10 week heartbeat check for my own piece of mind. When the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat, I knew it was over. I waited and went in for another ultrasound 30 minutes later and was given the worst news that we indeed had lost baby number 7, who stopped developing at 9.5 weeks, baby Jesse.
Again, I’m blessed beyond measure, I love my boys with every fiber of my being and I look forward to the awesome reception I will receive when I make it to heaven myself.
Losing a baby changes you. It doesn’t matter if you have lost one or lost five, you are never the same again. Writing brings me healing; it helps me to say the things that are too hard to say out loud.
Let me just say, I can’t wait to meet my babies but for now, I will just enjoy every second of watching my boys grow and giggle and smile and learn and play.